October 10

I have met an unreal number of disillusioned, pessimistic, and dejected men here who used to be naive and idealistic like me, ready to save the world, but then they joined the real world and were consumed by bureaucracy and politics. Almost all of them have a drinking problem. My response to this is that I am trying to hold on to my idealism and optimism. And they all respond that I should do that and then in a rather depressing way say they hope I stay the same and do all the things I want to do. I´ve met students, foreign ministers, and ONG workers like this. It´s really scary to me. Last night I was told by a Pakistani foreign minister that it was nice to finally meet someone from the states who could intelligently talk about politics in the U.S. and the world. He was shocked to meet the "only intelligent American girl in the country". Sigh. He also told me that I shouldn't worry about accomplishments but just enjoy my life as much as I can, but at the same time, I should always be great at my job... and then turn around and say 'go fuck yourself' to my boss because then I will be indispensable. Mind you he was pretty wasted by this time. Alcohol is dangerous... but not nearly as dangerous as government jobs apparently. Sigh, what are we supposed to do? And then I of course want to help these poor sad human beings but they are usually too drunk to really remember me anyway. I miss my campus. At least campuses spawn hope and new ideas. Maybe that´s the key. I´ll just stay on campuses for the rest of my life and I can´t get too dejected. But I´ve met many teachers who seem to have lost hope too.

On a lighter note: I had my first real encounter with tequila last night. It was fun. And I think I did well on my Spanish test this morning. The other sad realization is that I check my email, blog, and facebook far too often for anything to have changed in the interim.

I wish you a sunny, enthusiastic and hopeful day.