I know I just wrote a really long post so this won't take long...
I know you probably don't remember me mentioning this over 4 months ago when I first got here... but I was worried about turning cold hearted: cold to the trip, cold to people, just cold. Luckily Katiana talked me out of worrying about it... so I haven't. And these past few weeks have been really fun and enjoyable.
But, people tell me I'm cold. Since I got here Argentines have talked about their perception of Americans and the first thing they say is that they are cold. Well, I conveniently thought they just didn't know any. But now people know me, and they still tell me I'm cold. I think Pablo told me I was cold, partially because I wouldn't have sex with him... but it still hurt a little bit. I thought I was being very friendly and considerate about the whole thing. Then last night... William told me I was cold. William, my close friend... the awkward, hands in pockets, Austrian. He said he thought I had changed since he met me... and that I seemed cold. Then he searched for a different word... and unable to find one returned to cold. I know I don't talk much... I'm self-conscious to almost no end. I keep telling myself and other people I just don't speak Spanish well... I don't want to bore everyone with the tediousness of trying to talk to me. I say I'm shy... nope, it just happened when I wasn't looking... I'm cold. And my heart mourns with the knowledge. I told Lauren the other day that I was wondering what my friends at home would think of me when I go back and don't talk because I got so used to it here... cold.
3 comments:
Besos y abrazos! Remember the little Serendipity book we read back when; "So when you're cold and don't know what to do, remember love and friendship and warmth will come to you!"
And Dad so wisely commented that if someone tells you that they think you are cold, it says more about them than about you...
Te quiero!
Danga rafet xol. That means "you have a beautiful heart" in wolof which is how you say that someone is nice. I'm not surprised that the first thing I thought of in Wolof class this morning as our teacher taught this to us was your beautiful face. i am pretty sure that I am a bit colder too (mainly based on the fact that i didn't really have any friends until very very recently and hardly ever spoke at all). anyway, i think it's a shitty thing to say and not true at all... the only people who would say that to you are people who really don't know you in the slightest. nevertheless, even if you and i are somehow colder as a result of our experiences, we will warm each others hearts. plus, i would be your friend even if you never spoke at all. love you!
You are only as cold as you think you are. Other people can see you any way you want, but what they might take for cold may be exactly what you say - shyness, or being more of a listener than a talker. The big points to consider are: 1) are you having fun? Is anything you're doing getting in the way of your experience? And 2) is the way people see you affecting the way they treat you? And, to bring it back to the first question - they way people treat you changing your experience for the worse?
I miss you, 'Kena. And no, you're not cold. You're just you - and, frankly, that's all you need to be.
Post a Comment