: D

It snowed today... yay!

GGGGHAAAAAAAAA!!!

I have been trying to start setting my final choreography for my choreography II class since the middle of September... Guess how much of it is set... NONE OF IT!!! You know how much longer I have to set it? I have 4 weeks to set an 11 minute dance on four people who can never come to rehearsal. You know what this is doing to me? FREAKING ME OUT!!!

You know what else is freaking me out? I was supposed to register for spring classes on Wednesday. Know why I can't? I don't have my registration pin number because the stupid student designed major people can't get shit done! I'm going to end up not getting in a class that I need to graduate because they can't communicate with each other. This is my time and money they are jeopardizing and when I ask the director about it she gets pissy with me!

I feel like I'm blaming my problems on other people... but I frickin have no control over these things. None. My dance is going to be sub par because they won't have enough time to get the intention of the movement. I'm going to end up with 8 am classes my last semester of school and that's CRAP! Oh the pointless hoops! So I end up worrying about this shit instead of working on my thesis proposal which is due in 4 weeks too. whoops...

Sunday

So Miranda's Nightmare is finally over... now all I have to do is take three tests this week and get rid of this blasted cold. But if feel very happy and relieved at the moment. I just wanted to share my sense of peace with you... AND CHRISTMAS IS COMING!!! I am soooo excited!!!

You turn me...

into, somebody loved.

sometimes you will see sadness and turn you back on it, uninterested

but it is fiendish and creeps up on you from behind

it slips into your chest to breath up on cracks in your soul

then slowly it seeps in...

and minute by minute it becomes you

you will wonder

why do the leaves shake so happily in the sunlight?

how long is ever after?

Royce and I are reading The Amber Spyglass out loud to each other. It's such good fun.
Last week of dance classes. Last two weeks of summer classes. Last four weeks of summer.
Learning about nutrition makes me feel like I should try harder.
Learning about psychology makes me feel like I'm making the right choices.
I hate honors.
I wish peaches were still 1.99/lb.

Biology is my life.

period.

Everybody's Free

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

~written by Mary Schmich in 1997

A world of "NO"

No, I don't know what I want so STOP KILLING ME WITH YOUR HATRED AND IMPATIENCE.

April 4

I found a house!!!

It's a basement but has south facing windows so it gets adequate light. It's being completely remodeled and will have new paint and sheet rock and windows and closets and cabinets! Probably the best thing about it though is that it is $500 per month total including utilities and a washer and dryer!!! SO yay not spending money! It's really close to the music building... unfortunately neither Katiana nor I have any classes there. Oh well. YAY!

April 2

I think I should try to go back to working out in the morning 'cause I was so positive in my last post. Well... about a week ago everything was fabulous and slowly falling into place. Unfortunately, well laid plans often go astray. My summer internship fell though and now not only do I not have a job lined up I will probably end up with a lot less money than I had anticipated. I also have to choose a different experimental option to complete my honors recs. My savings account is smaller than I thought it would be. More money issues. And my house hunt for next year is proving to be more of a problem than I thought it would be. The lady who I thought would be moving out... isn't, or doesn't know, or is looking for a roommate... or something. So, sigh, I have three viewings today and hopefully I find something perfect. On a more positive note, dance is going great. I have auditions for a company on April 20th and if I get that... That's lots of free training! Also, my mother surprised me a couple weeks ago with a long forgotten agreement that if I didn't get in a car wreck before I turned 21 she would reward me with $2,000!!!!! How amazing are my parents.

So that's basically my life right now. I'm dancing all the time, and when I'm not I'm thinking about jobs and loans and living situations for the next year and a half. OR, spending time with Spencer or Emily or Royce and loving it. Maybe I'll just live here... I suddenly thought that it might just work... Love you!!!

March 5

I went and worked out this morning. It makes me feel like a worth-while human being. I don't know why. My fitness doesn't really do anything for anyone else. or does it. My able body keeps me happy (and adds to the general human happiness) and able to do things for others. It's obviously not the only way to be a worth-while person but it works for me. I need to work on feeling worth-while just for being me.

I talked to Monte about getting a M.A. in choreography. He was kindof encouraging. He said most places don't accept you to the program unless you have work/teaching/choreography/ or performance experience. He worked for 2 years before going to grad school. I'm not opposed to that. I just need to find a place where I can see myself working. I can't really see myself teaching technique in a studio. There are things like dance therapy and such. I don't know what's required for that.

I have another interview with Swift next week. I hope they employ me soon! They sound like a fun company to work for and I think it'll do good things for my self-esteem.

I also talked to Monte about my thesis idea of spontaneous public dance events like improveverywhere.com. He looked excited for me to bring the subversive back into the UNC PVA community. I am also excited. I went right home and researched and started a facebook group and invited people. After 2 days I have over 40 members. now if I can just get them to come to rehearsal!

I stopped in at the Philosophy office this morning to talk to someone about completing my philosophy degree in one year. He said it was possible and that they would be willing to help me out. Nice people, philosophers. :D

I talked to a career counselor last Friday about my confused life. She asked me what I would do if I only had one day left on earth. I told her I would watch the sun rise, eat a big breakfast, go hiking, listen to my favorite music, dance all day, watch the sun set, and have a huge party. All with my favorite people. She suggested that since I am so passionate about dance that I might at least try to pursue it instead of living the rest of my life with that big what if. Sigh. But what if I fail. What if I get jaded on dance and don't like it any more. :( The thought makes me want to cry. But I've also thought about what I would do if something happened to me and I couldn't dance any more. I don't think the state of my body would suffice to define me as alive. So I'll do it. I can't not.

My birthday was amazing!

These days

I am looking for an apartment to live in next year. I am planning my thesis and choreography projects. I am looking for a paid internship... I have an interview with Swift & Company. It sounds exciting. I hope it works out. I am stressing about trying to host a party on Saturday. sigh. There is an open mic. night at Margies tonight. I'm excited to go and watch. I wish I had more to say.

Valentines Day

This Valentine's Day I did nothing more than watch tv episodes on the computer (heroes and west wing) and make food. Though Royce and I did act like we knew how to cook (ha ha) and made some very delicious chicken crepes. It was fabulous.

He got me a present. He wrote me a song. and played it to me. :D I feel like such a rock star. Or a rock stars girlfriend... which is basically the same thing. Kindof. YAY for love!

Money

I've just realized... i think... that all this un-named pressure I am feeling, and the reason by I am endlessly annoyed by planning my future and trying to get everything done in a timely manner is money. I mean, I knew this before I guess. I've talked about it before using phrases like "I'm out of money" and "yeah, but that costs money." I guess it's just hit me. I hate the idea of working. It does not sound fun. I can't think of anything I really want to get paid for. But I am yearning for the freedom of being financially stable. wow. I won't be pressured by anyone because I can take my time and do what I want. Well, I guess that will be the case if I don't have a boss. Fat chance. Ha. Oh golly I hate money. Everyone I talk to about the future asks me if I'm going to teach dance. hmmm... I never seriously considered actually making a living in the dance field. I never thought I'd be good enough. I still don't think I'm good enough. But it makes me thing when others think I am and wonder sincerely why I never considered it. sigh. I just don't want any black marks of embarrassment or failure on that part of my life. But I guess that's just a state of mind. Anyway, no matter how I make money. I want to do it I guess. I'm starting to feel useless and a drain on society... especially since I can't decide what to study in school. I want to keep studying. If I liked my school and didn't have to worry too much about money I would just keep studying until I got sick of it. I can't do that here. So I'll just have to graduate so I can move on. Find a job. Teach some kids how to dance. And exercise my brain in morning classes. Sigh. Easy right?

Why the long face?

It seems that everyone (and by everyone I mean a few, but they are cherished friends of close age and station) is a little emotionally lost. No one knows what they want or what to do or how to live or who they want to be. We barely know who we are. We are frustrated by personal failure... not even that, just personal imperfection, the less than the best feeling. We see ourselves grasping to reach our great potential, but confusedly fall short. I am saying we because I consider myself to be part of this group to which I am referring. The young and able in the time of opportunity. But instead of striding off in a purposeful direction to embrace life and find our fortunes we shrink back, afraid. Afraid that it might not be there. Afraid that we might see it but let it slip through bumbling fingers. Afraid to start and realize too late that we should have gone the other direction. Afraid that we will reach the end and find that it really all just meant nothing, that we went through everything to realize that we made no difference. We are the generation that is supposed to heal the world right. But most people my age are so confused and sad that we can't even consider taking the next step. And we blame ourselves. We understand that we should be happy and understand everything that's going on. We should be strong enough to carry the world in a new and better direction. But instead we dread getting out of bed in the morning because the world will be disappointed by our sorry efforts.

I was told that high school was supposed to be the hardest part of life with everyone confused and frustrated. High school was nothing compared to this. We are one the brink of stepping finally into the "real" world. Work, Family, etc. We're not acting ready. I'm not.

I say we.

I am part of these dearest of people. But I am not sad. I am thrilled to be back in Greeley and on campus. I feel empowered here. I feel like the small opportunity that UNC provides me is enough for me to grow and learn for the moment. And it's comfortable. And my friends are here. And the weather, crisp and chilly, is so beautiful. I've decided to be happy and enthusiastic. I feel like a nicer person! I say hello and listen to people and tell them when I appreciate something about them. But I am also frustrated by not knowing what to do. I am dreading, painfully, this time next year when everyone will be booking their plane tickets to different parts of the world and we will end up Christmas card friends. And I have no direction. But I bless my options. I know it will work out. And in the mean time the world is a beautiful place. These sad people make my life so fulfilled and happy. I wish they could see it through my eyes and realize how wonderful they are. How they have already made the world a better place. Wherever we end up, I will always love them. They have already made a positive difference in the world, especially mine. I would do anything to make any one of you happy. I hope you wake up to a brighter sunrise tomorrow. I don't know what else to do.

Finally Home

I feel like I've accomplished a great feat. I'm relieved and grateful and really happy. I walked for a bit in the chilly air in my coat and scarf and breathed in the crispy sparkliness of winter. Greeley is the same as ever I guess, but for the first time I'm really happy to be here, in the familiarness. It's very exciting. Mind you I've only been here for about 26 hours so we'll see how soon I get bored. I don't really have any plans specifically. I have dance auditions in about an hour. Hopefully they'll let me dance even though I'm not technically a student right now. Then I'll sign up for the campus rec center and start yoga again, maybe lap swim too. Then I'll look for a job... and in the mean time I'll just get back in the swing of campus life. Oh how I love college.

The flights back to the U.S. were really smooth,... i slept the whole way from Bs.As. and... no fines. I actually think that no one ever checked how much my bags actually weigh. I was pleasantly surprised when CJ drove by to pick me up and Royce was in the passenger seat. I guess it was his turn to surprise me... :D It was great. Then we went to 3 Margaritas for enchiladas and rice and beans. MEXICAN FOOD!!!! It was glory. Then I basically sat on the rocking chair in Spencer's house waiting for him to come home because I couldn't think past the seeing him part of my dad. We went to the grocery store and spent a bunch of money on good food and had roasted lemon chicken and ravioli with Alfredo sauce. mmm... real food. I fell asleep at about 11:30 and woke up at 5:30 and couldn't get back to sleep so I got up and made some tea and had a really long relaxing morning. Then I went to Royce's house and saw him for a couple hours. He's really busy these days because he's in tech rehearsal for his show... therefore, if I see him for a couple hours a day I'll be lucky.

but I am lucky :D

but things are a little off without my dear Katiana... and I anxiously await her return. :D

January 7

YAY! My family got here this morning! And all in one piece!

It's great to have them around. But unfortunately it's so hot here that we all want to die so we are frantically trying to find a way out of the city. It's proving not easy.

In other news, I have never met so many rude, stand-offish, and unhelpful Argentines as I have today. I won't go into the details but I am seriously disappointed in the people. Maybe it's the heat. But really, come on. Anyway, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Everything seems frantic at the moment. Mostly we need transportation and lodging somewhere outside of this city.

Por Favor!

January 2

Happy New YEAR!!!!!

I hope everyone enjoyed their new year! I spent mine eating Chinese food and watching Love Actually with Shahzad. It was very relaxed and enjoyable.

I don't really have much to say.

Yesterday I spent 13 hours braiding my hair and watching Ally McBeal episodes online. It was okay.

It is sooooo hot here. I feel like I'm melting and I can't even take a shower because the water in our house isn't working. Sigh.

I started my mission to become more well read by reading all the classics and read Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka the other day. It was really interesting. I'm a little proud and embarrassed that afterwards I went online and looked up the sparknotes analysis on it. I was so well trained in high school... :D Anyway. I'm anxiously awaiting the arrival of my family on Sunday... And that's about it!