These days

I am looking for an apartment to live in next year. I am planning my thesis and choreography projects. I am looking for a paid internship... I have an interview with Swift & Company. It sounds exciting. I hope it works out. I am stressing about trying to host a party on Saturday. sigh. There is an open mic. night at Margies tonight. I'm excited to go and watch. I wish I had more to say.

Valentines Day

This Valentine's Day I did nothing more than watch tv episodes on the computer (heroes and west wing) and make food. Though Royce and I did act like we knew how to cook (ha ha) and made some very delicious chicken crepes. It was fabulous.

He got me a present. He wrote me a song. and played it to me. :D I feel like such a rock star. Or a rock stars girlfriend... which is basically the same thing. Kindof. YAY for love!

Money

I've just realized... i think... that all this un-named pressure I am feeling, and the reason by I am endlessly annoyed by planning my future and trying to get everything done in a timely manner is money. I mean, I knew this before I guess. I've talked about it before using phrases like "I'm out of money" and "yeah, but that costs money." I guess it's just hit me. I hate the idea of working. It does not sound fun. I can't think of anything I really want to get paid for. But I am yearning for the freedom of being financially stable. wow. I won't be pressured by anyone because I can take my time and do what I want. Well, I guess that will be the case if I don't have a boss. Fat chance. Ha. Oh golly I hate money. Everyone I talk to about the future asks me if I'm going to teach dance. hmmm... I never seriously considered actually making a living in the dance field. I never thought I'd be good enough. I still don't think I'm good enough. But it makes me thing when others think I am and wonder sincerely why I never considered it. sigh. I just don't want any black marks of embarrassment or failure on that part of my life. But I guess that's just a state of mind. Anyway, no matter how I make money. I want to do it I guess. I'm starting to feel useless and a drain on society... especially since I can't decide what to study in school. I want to keep studying. If I liked my school and didn't have to worry too much about money I would just keep studying until I got sick of it. I can't do that here. So I'll just have to graduate so I can move on. Find a job. Teach some kids how to dance. And exercise my brain in morning classes. Sigh. Easy right?

Why the long face?

It seems that everyone (and by everyone I mean a few, but they are cherished friends of close age and station) is a little emotionally lost. No one knows what they want or what to do or how to live or who they want to be. We barely know who we are. We are frustrated by personal failure... not even that, just personal imperfection, the less than the best feeling. We see ourselves grasping to reach our great potential, but confusedly fall short. I am saying we because I consider myself to be part of this group to which I am referring. The young and able in the time of opportunity. But instead of striding off in a purposeful direction to embrace life and find our fortunes we shrink back, afraid. Afraid that it might not be there. Afraid that we might see it but let it slip through bumbling fingers. Afraid to start and realize too late that we should have gone the other direction. Afraid that we will reach the end and find that it really all just meant nothing, that we went through everything to realize that we made no difference. We are the generation that is supposed to heal the world right. But most people my age are so confused and sad that we can't even consider taking the next step. And we blame ourselves. We understand that we should be happy and understand everything that's going on. We should be strong enough to carry the world in a new and better direction. But instead we dread getting out of bed in the morning because the world will be disappointed by our sorry efforts.

I was told that high school was supposed to be the hardest part of life with everyone confused and frustrated. High school was nothing compared to this. We are one the brink of stepping finally into the "real" world. Work, Family, etc. We're not acting ready. I'm not.

I say we.

I am part of these dearest of people. But I am not sad. I am thrilled to be back in Greeley and on campus. I feel empowered here. I feel like the small opportunity that UNC provides me is enough for me to grow and learn for the moment. And it's comfortable. And my friends are here. And the weather, crisp and chilly, is so beautiful. I've decided to be happy and enthusiastic. I feel like a nicer person! I say hello and listen to people and tell them when I appreciate something about them. But I am also frustrated by not knowing what to do. I am dreading, painfully, this time next year when everyone will be booking their plane tickets to different parts of the world and we will end up Christmas card friends. And I have no direction. But I bless my options. I know it will work out. And in the mean time the world is a beautiful place. These sad people make my life so fulfilled and happy. I wish they could see it through my eyes and realize how wonderful they are. How they have already made the world a better place. Wherever we end up, I will always love them. They have already made a positive difference in the world, especially mine. I would do anything to make any one of you happy. I hope you wake up to a brighter sunrise tomorrow. I don't know what else to do.

Finally Home

I feel like I've accomplished a great feat. I'm relieved and grateful and really happy. I walked for a bit in the chilly air in my coat and scarf and breathed in the crispy sparkliness of winter. Greeley is the same as ever I guess, but for the first time I'm really happy to be here, in the familiarness. It's very exciting. Mind you I've only been here for about 26 hours so we'll see how soon I get bored. I don't really have any plans specifically. I have dance auditions in about an hour. Hopefully they'll let me dance even though I'm not technically a student right now. Then I'll sign up for the campus rec center and start yoga again, maybe lap swim too. Then I'll look for a job... and in the mean time I'll just get back in the swing of campus life. Oh how I love college.

The flights back to the U.S. were really smooth,... i slept the whole way from Bs.As. and... no fines. I actually think that no one ever checked how much my bags actually weigh. I was pleasantly surprised when CJ drove by to pick me up and Royce was in the passenger seat. I guess it was his turn to surprise me... :D It was great. Then we went to 3 Margaritas for enchiladas and rice and beans. MEXICAN FOOD!!!! It was glory. Then I basically sat on the rocking chair in Spencer's house waiting for him to come home because I couldn't think past the seeing him part of my dad. We went to the grocery store and spent a bunch of money on good food and had roasted lemon chicken and ravioli with Alfredo sauce. mmm... real food. I fell asleep at about 11:30 and woke up at 5:30 and couldn't get back to sleep so I got up and made some tea and had a really long relaxing morning. Then I went to Royce's house and saw him for a couple hours. He's really busy these days because he's in tech rehearsal for his show... therefore, if I see him for a couple hours a day I'll be lucky.

but I am lucky :D

but things are a little off without my dear Katiana... and I anxiously await her return. :D