Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Money
I've just realized... i think... that all this un-named pressure I am feeling, and the reason by I am endlessly annoyed by planning my future and trying to get everything done in a timely manner is money. I mean, I knew this before I guess. I've talked about it before using phrases like "I'm out of money" and "yeah, but that costs money." I guess it's just hit me. I hate the idea of working. It does not sound fun. I can't think of anything I really want to get paid for. But I am yearning for the freedom of being financially stable. wow. I won't be pressured by anyone because I can take my time and do what I want. Well, I guess that will be the case if I don't have a boss. Fat chance. Ha. Oh golly I hate money. Everyone I talk to about the future asks me if I'm going to teach dance. hmmm... I never seriously considered actually making a living in the dance field. I never thought I'd be good enough. I still don't think I'm good enough. But it makes me thing when others think I am and wonder sincerely why I never considered it. sigh. I just don't want any black marks of embarrassment or failure on that part of my life. But I guess that's just a state of mind. Anyway, no matter how I make money. I want to do it I guess. I'm starting to feel useless and a drain on society... especially since I can't decide what to study in school. I want to keep studying. If I liked my school and didn't have to worry too much about money I would just keep studying until I got sick of it. I can't do that here. So I'll just have to graduate so I can move on. Find a job. Teach some kids how to dance. And exercise my brain in morning classes. Sigh. Easy right?
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5 comments:
I would just like to point out that you feeling like you are a drain on society is only a result of the cultural perception that we must give and take from the inherently economic cycle in which we exist and that what we give must be monetary. I think that is bullshit. You give so much to society just by being in it and thinking and living. So I say enjoy it as much as you can for as long as you can and teach dance because you want to not because of some sense of obligation to be a "contributing" member of society.
I'm currently in an attack the establishment and challenge every belief you've ever held kind of mood but I truly mean that.
i was just ranting about the exact same things to my dad and he says this:
Work can be meaningful if you work with the right people, or have a mission you believe in. Work is not just about grinding away with capitalism, but it does have to make money to exist. There is no way around the problem of having to produce wealth so we can eat, etc. That is the human reality. However, at least in this society you are not subsistence, meaning work hard from sun up to sun down and no time to contemplate.
I read somewhere that until you love what you do, it is only a job. Once you love what you do, then it becomes a career. I chose my path with that in mind, and that is why I do not doubt myself. Whenever I start to waver, I remind myself that I get to spend the rest of my life talking about something that I love, and encouraging others to love it too.
You need to sit down and think about the things that you love doing - all those little life-long obsessions that you can't quite seem to shake. Then try and line one up with a major/career choice. Then - go for it. Don't let anything stand in your way.
I miss you 'Kena. And I hope you find your way soon.
I know you've heard this before, but it's all about the journey. Never compromise your dreams and your beliefs or subject yourself to an unacceptable situation and anything else goes! Don't be afraid to trust yourself, 'cause I know you are an exceptional person. I've met and worked with a lot of people - you are a grand one! I Love You!
Oh yea - your page looks really cool.
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